Dear Mr Spammer

...I wish you would leave me alone.

Seriously. I am a WOMAN. I do not need penis enlargements, my penis is just as big as I want it - namely, non-existant. I don't want to "impress my woman" with anything you can send me, and honestly? Who the hell buys viagra from a spammer? Also, you can quit sending me emails with lonely Russian women who want to meet men. Why are they always Russian? Are there no lonely women in say...Great Britain? South Africa? Ouagadougou? Don't see any emails from them, either. And no lonely men, for that matter. Like I pointed out, I am a woman, so the chance of me answering to anything that has lonely women in the title of the email - NOT gonna get opened.

Oh, and the same goes for the deeply concerned letters from bank managers in Uganda, Nigeria or some other African country. No, I am sorry, but I don't think I have a relative who just died down there - especially not when you are spelling my last name all wrong. And I sure as hell do not believe that I have loads of money to collect...not from a distant relative in Africa, that is.

Oh, and the job offers. Right. Is there someone out there watching me, realizing that I am a hint desperate to find a job, and therefore heaps junk mail regarding job offers in my inbox? Job offers about what, precisely, to sit and surf through the net, leave bloody infuriating messages on forums and in email? Um, no.

And no to the offers of college education (hellooooo, living in Sweden?), green cards to get into US (helloooooo, still living in Sweden?) and all the other things that is sent out. Oh, and I am not logging into anything that my bank supposedly sent out, either.

Mr Spammer, I wish you all the bad parts of life. Parking tickets, annoying hiccups, fleas, angry neighbours - and most of all, I hope you get loads of spam. Serves you right.